Fighting Back, Day 10
On my way to the A train platform today, I surprisingly smiled at some skateboarders who were doing tricks in front of the staircase. Honestly, kids in the way of transit passengers, even when there aren’t that many out in the frigid air tonight, would usually annoy me. As the train arrived and I watched them grab their boards and run down the stairs to catch the subway, I began to admire them for having a passion that brings them out in the cold and occupies every minute, even while waiting for the train. Writing my blog on the same subway, I thank God for my passions that today have helped me live more fully. Cold winter days like today embody the primary purpose of writing my daily blog and though I have longed to perform my whole life, I have only recently found the motivation in writing to keep me focused, working, and active.
To be honest, I’ve fought off tears all day and only now am starting to let them roll. Yes, seasonal depression visits me at times and the cold permeates my bones today but mostly, I miss the Met already. This feeling of helplessness, wondering when and from whom the next gig will come makes the weight ever heavier. In truth however, I am not helpless. Let me repeat myself, very few of us in the developed world are helpless. In my more extreme and younger idealism, I would praise New Jersey, thankful that I lived in the most densely populated state in the country and that, were I ever wholly desperate for a job, I could always work in a convenience store or pump gas. My father’s version of idealism is that if I ever need a place to live, he has a beautiful sailboat in Maryland on which I can crash.
Idealism aside, are we really helpless? Looking at unemployment, the declining jobs rate, the homelessness, the state of the arts, it all seems really grim… Well, screw it all! I have a choice. I can sit inside and cry (and may be I will for one night, mourning all that deserves my tears), or I can exercise anyway, keep myself healthy, and spend the weekend preparing songs and monologues and re-reading audition books in preparation for next week. I have no intention of taking this winter, this period of unemployment lying down. They may hire me, they may not but for my part, I intend to make myself seen and heard by NYC’s still many performance opportunities. We can not control it all, but I will get out and make the best daily effort I can. Here’s to whatever that brings.