Slowly Cleaning the Slate, Day 43
When a relationship begins to feel uncertain, I naturally and almost unconsciously enter into a sort of salvation mode, for both myself and the partnership. Sometimes, I approach such a potential dilemma rather healthily, as I did when things first felt a little off kilter. After pondering what might have changed negatively in me since we first met, I changed some bad patterns and evolved into a more independent, healthy, and therefore hopefully more attractive version of me. I now find it ironically amusing that I thought I could win him in my efforts to be a better girlfriend, friend, sister, daughter, singer, and person. Thankfully, that new and improved me functions better overall, regardless of relationship status.
Unfortunately, as said status continued to feel more unstable, I set more time aside to attempt to salvage us. When he even more busily than before ran about and made less of an effort to see me, I visited his place more, cooking him dinner and helping him to unwind. Somewhere along the path, I got a little lost and though I continued to improve myself through my blog, some of my friendships, and my activities, I somehow also picked up a very different and less evolved habit of taking out his recycling and garbage more often than mine.
Many thanks to Ariana Chris, without whose part time presence my apartment would have most certainly lost its altogether too obvious battle with the dust bunnies. Today, I woke up feeling tired, depressed and lightheaded, and the flood of text messages and condolences from my friends helped but didn’t. With mounds of unlaundered clothing and a dust-covered bedroom, I decided to take the cue from my body, take a day off from the gym, and begin to clean. After hours of cleaning, a poorly planned first viewing of Up in the Air (not the best movie to watch when sad), a rehearsal, and some more cleaning, I have clean clothes to wear, clean windows, and fresh air to breathe when I sleep. I still have a bathroom and living room to tackle, but I suppose my apartment will progress along with me.
I have no intention of writing every day about my breakup coping mechanisms, but I also know that day two felt worse than day one and that there will be many similarly difficult days to follow. Today I realized that unlike so many relationships, I didn’t love what we had as much as I actually just loved him. In some ways, that makes this easier and in others, much harder. Thanks again for all of your support, whether expressed or felt. Still, I need to start coping with not coping so I can finally begin to cope – but I will mostly write here about my adventures in Abbyland and not so much about all of this muck. After all, I have countless new ways to start with a clean slate, and tomorrow, I meet up with two friends, old and new, possibly go for a swim at the gym, and then attend a belly dancing class with my good friend Charlene. Ooh – and then I have taxes to begin! Yikes. Well, we all have to start somewhere, right?