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Worth Every Quickened Heartbeat, Day 130

October 5, 2010

Over the course of several months, I have endeavored to change my life by eradicating excuses and promoting open minds and leaps of faith. As of yesterday, I decided to focus upon eliminating expectations as well, and I want to celebrate others who live without fear and debilitating hesitation. With some wonderful exceptions however, most of my content and inspiration comes from my own daily journey, and I find it difficult sometimes to keep this space from egotism or overly personal journaling. On the other hand, some of the greatest challenges stem from extremely personal struggles, and occasionally I want to acknowledge them when they fall under the umbrella of profound events that change me.

Over the past few weeks, I  experienced a wonderful but complicated change in my very personal life that reminded me of someone who, years prior, affected me in the most powerful way I never imagined I again would know. As dearly as I love my friends and family, rare people and events get under the deepest layers to penetrate and therefore unsettle all of my everything. Summoning old lessons of faith and emotional ghosts I had forgotten existed, I came face to face with a seemingly impossible situation and experienced some loss, juxtaposed with unspeakable and precious joy.

Unlike other tangible lessons of faith and conquering fear, I didn’t land with a ninety dollar video of my freefall to share. In fact, I only felt secure in sharing details with a few incredibly close friends for comfort and advice and in the end, I had to invoke all of my strength and let go. At least I hope I accomplished that goal maturely and confidently. Singing nude in public? Jumping out of a plane? Not easy, but worth every quickened heartbeat. Taking the hardest risk in human connection and vulnerability however, can feel so much more perilous. Six years ago, I never imagined I would again dare to feel and lose something so idealistically illusive. Honestly, I didn’t think I would survive it the first time.

Sanity, maturity, and already well-tested faith apparently go a long way. To honor everyone involved, for the foreseeable future, this path had to end. Tonight I somehow found the confidence to exit the roller coaster and allow the amusement park to close for the season and yet survived. Perhaps someday I’ll revisit the idea of that particular journey which either way, was also very much worth it. In the meantime, we all have fantastic friends, a world of magical and gorgeous connections when we open our eyes to see, and potential lives without expectations or excuses, helping us each evolve into that which our fears have kept us from imagining all along.

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