On the A train this morning, I overheard a lovely German woman offering a toy to another passenger’s child. “Would you like a car for now?” she asked, although it seemed apparent she wouldn’t wouldn’t expect him to return it at the end of the trip. My particular journey today involved quite a bit of letting go and enjoying the “now,” and I think her reminder of the impermanence of things helped my mindset throughout the day.
Attending a medical class for an upcoming procedure (something positive, on which I promise to write more specifically in future posts) made me cringe for a while at the thought of having to administer my own medications. Fear of screwing up, pain and unlikely complications probably elevated my blood pressure here and there. Regardless, I left feeling more confident in myself and my doctors, excited to leave the fear behind for now.
Involving finances and a stressful schedule, my next two errands challenged me perhaps more than necessary. I never thought I would worry about seeing the dentist, the doctor, or an optometrist. With some imperceptible judgment, I perceived “people like that” as silly. After four long years, I gave up on my stubborn procrastination to go to a new eye doctor. When my dear friend Morgan said to me, “Aren’t those the contacts you’ve been wearing since 1987?” I figured I needed to make myself take action.
Several hundred dollars and a very complicated order precisely timed to arrive in Annandale-on-Hudson one day after I do (for Bard Summerscape), I have a new eye doctor, and contacts and lenses for my glasses will follow suit. Did I get the best deal? On the exam and contacts, yes. On the lenses for my glasses, probably not. I could go with the old “two out of three ain’t bad” or “I did my best” adages to feel better about having spent so much money I don’t have, again. Instead, I’ve decided to rest in the moment, knowing that I set my fear of being wrong about how much to spend, which doctor to choose, aside and lived my life.
Also with today came some more decisions, appointments to schedule, errands to run, gigs to accept or reject, a phone call with the director of a canceled project, and overall, lots of chances for stress. I even jumped on board for our next skydiving trip (purchased for a steal on Groupon a few months ago), scheduled for Sunday, September 10. I love everything I did today, from my ridiculous errands to finally going back to the gym tonight after weeks of inactivity and illness. Having turned off my television again and welcomed all that happened or needed to happen gave me a surprising feeling of power I really did not expect.
Yesterday, I performed a somewhat scatterbrained audition for a small company, and I went to bed afterwards feeling anything but powerful. In some sort of haze after rejecting so many moments and losing myself in the soothing addiction of television once more, I managed to make musical mistakes I usually would not, along with apologizing like a desperate date and forgetting my resume at home and my umbrella and waterbottle at the audition. Spending hours afterwards beating myself up didn’t help either; my only remedy seems to have involved coming back to embracing each moment and relinquishing even the smallest fears of daily life.
Want to know what I have planned for tomorrow? An early morning (yes, really), Danish choral music rehearsal, and standing in line at the DMV. Afterwards, the gym and if I’m lucky, I’ll motivate myself to chip away a little further on my taxes. It all sounds too exciting, right? Actually, yes… for now.